Let me explain, but before I do that, HELLO!! Guess who’s back to do some more talking. First and foremost, my sincere apologies for being so inactive for all these months. Why am I apologising, geez I have no clue! Anyways, I’m glad that I’m back for good. Before I get into that big chunky thing you are about to read, I do want to thank everyone who sent through their ideas on topics they would like me to write about in the coming days, weeks, months (hopefully I won’t zone out again).
On a very irrelevant note though, I had honestly prepared blog posts for Nawroz and Eid, but somehow never ended up posting it. A lot of reasons why, I guess the biggest one would be the fact that I was very unsure. Unsure of what? I have no clue (messed up mindset back in the days). For the longest time ever, I know that I haven’t been myself for a long period of time. I’ve had times where I was going through some really tough moments. Especially in the first few months of the year. I don’t even know how to explain, it’s like that moment where you feel like everything is turning against you and you just can’t do much about it. Legit in all aspects of life. Whether that be family issues, friendship, relationship, situation-ships, studies, work or just anything in general. I consider myself quite fortunate to have had (still have) such amazing people around me who would continuously check in if I’m ok. I swear I’ve had times where I felt like quitting everything and legit running away from all the mess and sort of wanting to start a fresh life somewhere in the farms. Away from all the ongoing chaos. But thanks to the people who are always there to support me through thick & thin (So much love for you guys) I’ve managed to learn how to deal with such situations…. gradually. Well at least for now, I think I have.
But you know what the sad thing is, a lot of people out there, unfortunately, don’t have that kind of support some of us have. I don’t think I even need to address the percentage of people that most likely have depression or are going through a mental health issue. A high fraction of the population (especially in the Middle Eastern and Afghan communities) cannot even express themselves to others around them because of the fear that their struggle with mental health is un-welcomed and thus, unworthy of attention. This fear usually arises from underlying questions that roam around our minds non-stop, “what are they going to think of me, I’ll be judged, I’ll lose them, I’ll be ridiculed, I’ll shame those around me, etc. etc.” Not to say that I’ve had depression before, I do know that I’ve had at least if not some sort high levels of anxiety or something on those lines. I remember my friends asking me to see a specialist. I wanted to, I tried a lot to go see one. But I never went, I was scared. For the exact same reasons as everyone else was and is refraining from seeking professional help. So here I am sharing this with you all. So why now?
Just recently, about a few weeks ago, someone I knew had committed suicide. Parts of me is kind of glad that I wasn’t that close to this person, because if I was, I don’t know what kind of an effect the situation would’ve had on me. To be honest, I had never imagined that someone around me would do such a thing. It’s like we tell ourselves, ‘only happens in movies’. But that’s not true. Anything and everything could happen anytime. For days I saw people close to me grieve over the death of this person with tears in their eyes. Non-stop! And the funny thing is, we had never imagined that someone so bright, humorous and full of life would end up making such a decision. It scares you right because you never know when that is going to be you or someone you know. And I guess it was that moment that I realised how important it is for one to look after their health, not only physically but also mentally. And how important it is to talk about this idea that “it’s okay not to be okay”. To put into simpler words ‘we all go through shit in life, but it will eventually, be okay’, apologies for the bad language, but truth be said. Life isn’t always going to be ‘all things happy and bright’. At times I feel like we’re so consumed by how happy other people are (constantly) that we start questioning our own lives and why ours isn’t like theirs…. But let me tell you again if you haven’t heard already:
“No one posts about their failures, no one brags about their sad moments”
Just know that we are all going through a wave of good and bad everyday… I always tell myself this (especially now), if I’m going through difficult time, it just means I’m learning, evolving and more importantly living. Not to say that those who don’t have shitty days aren’t living. But you get what I mean.
Now that I think back to it, I should’ve gone to see a professional. Back then I was scared of what people were going to think, I was scared that people around me would find out. I kept on making excuses that I’ll go tomorrow…. Monday…. nah Friday. Just like that, months rolled by and eventually, I gave up. During this phase though, some of the things I did that possibly helped me get over my anxiety issues was writing diary entries (like literally pouring my heart out onto my laptop screen, word by word). My siblings and friends were always there to listen to my rubbish talks over and over again. To a point where I clearly remember then saying “Madina, you told me that already….”. If you’re reading this right now guys, thank you! It helped a lot! Season two will be coming very soon (just kidding). Some of the other things were reducing my studies, meditating, listening to non-sad music, dancing and majority of the time just crying my heart out. Even if it meant crying out loud and telling my parents I’m crying because the movie was sad. Don’t laugh, it happens.
Anyways, I don’t want to take much of your time, all I want to say is that if you or anyone you may know is struggling, help is available! And please reach out. It may not be an easy step, but sometimes, all we need is someone to guide us through it all. Together we can end this stigma and misunderstanding!
Before I make an end to this post, I do want to apologise for all the shitty* things I may have said to anyone throughout my immature days. Only if I knew any better, I would’ve never said what I said. I’m sorry.
Stay healthy, be happy, be sad, be anything, be organic, go through what you go through, feel what you feel. In tough times, seek help from those around you and a professional. And always be kind.
Always remember…. It’s okay not to be okay!
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